Confession
by Darst
Summary: It takes a lot to open up your heart and sometimes things don't go as planned. But it's ok, as long as it works out eventually.  I don't own TMNT.  Warning: the subject is generally tcesty even though thee's nothing graphic.
1. Confession

"_Hey, Raph.. I want to tell you something. I like you. Like, "like" like…" Raph's eyes widen in realization and he leans forward, and his lips are hot and welcoming…_

Leo graciously twisted in the air and delivered the last slash across his last imaginary opponent's throat. The kata was getting better with every try.

The cheesy conversation with his imaginary brother, on the other hand, was still as lame as it could be.

Leo gritted his teeth with irritation and started all over again.

Dodge, block, slash, slash, leap, block… If only it was this simple to rehearse his confession!

Being the Leader, Leonardo was quite content with decisions making. He's given it a long consideration and accepted the fact that he could no longer stand the suspense of not knowing if his brother felt something for him too. He's been catching the slightest hints pro and contra for several months and decided it was worth spilling his guts for some clarity.

And once he met this strategic decision – to open his heart to his brother, - the rest seemed pretty mechanical.

And yet, there he was two weeks later without any significant progress.

His imaginary speech was lame. Any mental picture of their conversation that he could construct screamed "CREEEPY!" and made him want to hide in a cupboard – something he'd never done even as a tot.

And leap – and twist – and slash. Done. Like his imaginary kata opponent, Raph was unaware of what Leo had in store for him.

Maybe he should wait for the inspiration to come and then just flow with it?

That sounded like hiding in his shell to him. Besides, hadn't one of the great minds once said that the best improvisation was the one you rehearsed for a month?

Current plan involved waiting for Raphael to return after one of his nightly skull-bashing runs and go for it if Raph wasn't too pissed. Not much of a plan but the best he's got. The obvious flow was that it depended on the hothead's unstable moods.

Two nights were already wasted because Raphael was either drunk or too angry, and now Leo was spending the third night away waiting for his brother.

"_Maybe by this time tomorrow I will be waiting for my __**lover**__ to return.."_

OK. No more torturing himself. Leo sheathed the blades and settled down to meditate. He will wait for his bro and spill his guts. Plain and simple.

The night was already speeding toward its end when he finally heard the hiss of their Lair's door. Leo took a deep breath and went to meet his doom.

Raph was leaning on the wall just by the entrance, his stance wary, his eyes closed. Leo took in the details of his brother, like Raph's left hand still clenching the hilt of his sai, blood dripping from both his blades, red spots on his plastron, a small trail of red running down his thigh… A lot of blood, actually. Leo's heart clenched though he could see no wounds on Raph.

A warm feeling that filled him whenever he was looking and his younger brother mixed up with fear. How many times did Leo dream about Raph motionless form on the ground, red from his own blood? Those nights, he would wake up in silent anguish too scared to even scream. Deep in his heart he feared that it was only a matter of time before those nightmares come true and Raph's odd chances would turn against him.

Looking at his sibling bloodstained figure now, Leo felt his gut clench in the anticipation of the future pain.

"Where have you been?" he demanded. Leo's voice sounded harsh and Raph's eyes snapped open.

"Topside!" – somehow it sounded more like "F*ck off!"

Leo cursed inwardly. This wasn't too good a start.

"All this blood.."

"Ain't none of it mine."

Raphael was looking at him with a silent challenge. The timing wasn't right, but how could Leo back down from this dare?

Sighing, he stepped closer.

"Raphael, I need to talk to you. I've given this matter a proper consideration and this cannot go on the way it is now. I believe you also feel that there could be something more between us than just being brothers. Being what we are, it is either we choose one of us to settle with or end up alone. Loneliness is something even you wouldn't like. I know you're not always happy with me, but I care for you deeply. And if the things between us could work out, I want to give it a try. That is, if you want me too…"

Raphael was looking at him with a slightly concerned look on his face. The silence grew. Leo shifted uneasily. "So what do you say?"

Raph blinked. "Yeah, Fearless. Whatever you say."

He edged around Leo and headed to the stairs. This was not the reaction Leo was expecting.

"Wait! Where are you going?"

"Shower. Needa wash it off." Raph sounded without looking back.

Leo stared at his retreating shell. "Raph! Were you even listening?"

"Sure, bro. Being reckless blah-blah-blah, putting family in danger blah-blah… learn responsibility blah-blah. Yar right. Ya always are."

With that, he disappeared into the bathroom, leaving Leo to collect his jaw from the floor.

Leo stood transfixed for a second, then his palm cupped his face. This was an epic fail. Raph put him on spam-filter. COULD YOU BELIEVE THIS MORON?


	2. The can of raisins

It's been two days since the fiasco. Leo was still fuming. Not that he allowed it to show much, though.

Unaccustomed to defeat, he dealt with it the same way he dealt with his other unsettling failures, however rare they were. He shut off.

This time it was worse because it was way more personal. And there was no way he would open up again and admit that he was hurt.

Meditation turned into endless sulking and self-pity. Raph obviously wasn't interested in him this way. You don't spam out someone you like, right? So it was probably for better that Leo's confession fell on deaf ears? It probably saved him a humiliating rejection. This thought brought him no comfort.

Since meditating didn't work, Leo resolved to his last sanctuary: practice. Focusing on his imaginary rivals while honing his skills he managed to keep his mind free of disturbing images. And he went on and on, oblivious of the surroundings.

Yesterday Splinter called him in for what was meant to be a comforting conversation. But Leo found himself unable to explain his misery. What would he say? "I offered my brother my heart and he stomped on it"?

Today was no different. Leo was now diverting the katas and blending them into one another, sometimes he wasmoving so fast that he blurred. He was hyper aware of Raph working out on his punching bag in the corner. The hothead's presence was a constant burn in his aura and whenever Raph cast him an occasional sideway glance this burn flashed into a full scaled flare.

Leo refused to acknowledge Raph's presence. Not in the room, not in the Lair, not in his life.

Raphael finished his punching routine and was watching Leo and his new kata, noting the emotional undercurrent in Leo's leaps and slashes. Leo's new kata was rather vicious by itself – some advanced sword stuff, no doubt, - but Leo somehow managed to turn it into a real hurricane of angry steel.

Raph waited for the last slash to be delivered and spoke up just as Leo was bowing to his imaginary opponent: "That's a nice one, Leo. New?"

Leo flinched, like literally flinched at the sound of his voice, but made himself turn and face Raph, his face expressionless.

"Yes" he answered simply. The worst thing was that Raphael had no idea how deeply he had hurt his leader and there was no way Leo would tell him. So he braced himself and returned Raph's studying gaze with a defensive stare.

Raph couldn't help but notice shades under Leo's eyes. "When did'ya learn it? Were ya practicing all night?"

"Yes. Why?"

Raph shrugged "No reason. M' thinking it's some first-class killing stuff, s'all. Just wondering, if ya wanna put it ta good use. Case called. He's got a word that Dragons gonna bust a warehouse today. "

"So?"

Leo's one syllable answers were beginning to annoy.

"So, we're gonna teach them some respect fer private property."

"Good luck" – with that Leo sheathed the blades that he was still holding and turned to leave.

"Not so fast, Fearless!" Raph caught his wrist and made Leo face him again.

"Ain't cha gonna come too? What's wrong with ya?"

Leo freed himself. "You want me come with you? Why?"

"Gees, Leo! M' trying ta do the right thing here. Why are ya being so difficult? For the one always bitching about me taking tough odds ya don't seem too eager to help me even them! "

Leo averted his gaze and sighed. Raph was right, he had to admit that. He can't deny his brother asking for help just because he was pissed.

"Ok", he finally said. "I think we all should use a good street fight. "

At eleven they gathered on the highest roof in the block and Leo took them through the plan he developed.

"Why can't we just jump them on the way here? That usually works" – Casey asked. Raph cupped his face. He'd asked this question a number of times already. But his buddy chose to ignore the warning look he cast him.

"Aren't you tired of beating up the same punks over and over again? They never learn. If we want to make a difference, we have to hand them over to police. That is why we sneak into the facility, set off the alarm and make sure Dragons will stay put until cops arrive. Now, did you get your part?"

"Yeah, sounds like you wanna rob me of all the fun"

Grumbling, Casey agreed only after he was promised that they'll save him some faces to punch.

Then they split up – Casey riding away to keep an eye on Dragons and report their progress and the Turtles going on with their part of breaking and entering plan.

Half past two the sirens dissolved in traffic noise and turtles watched the police vans depart with their load. Leo was grinning broadly with a feeling of a job well done. He really needed a win to soothe his nerves.

Raph paused beside him on their relaxed way home and whispered: "I needa talk to ya 'bout something. Alone". Leo immediately felt his resolve strengthen and all his ire come up again. He nearly expected it to be about that guy with butterfly knifes that nearly got him out, but he wouldn't back out of it, so he gave Raph a terse nod.

As they reached the last roof before their today's sewers entry Raph said: "You guys go ahead, me and Leo have one more thing to settle".

Both their brothers stopped in their tracks. "You're not coming home? What's up?" Don passed a worried glance between the two. Leo's moods during last two days didn't went unnoticed by anyone.

Leo shook his head.

Raph smirked.

"Dontcha worry, Don, I'll bring'em back in one piece. Ya coming, oh Fearless Leader?"

Leo felt Raph's gaze burning a hole in the back of his neck and could tell the hothead was daring him to refuse.

Well, he wasn't giving him this pleasure. "Yeah. See you at home, guys. Be careful on the way back."

"You sure want.." Don started to say but Mikey nudged him with an elbow "Come on, Donnie, you don't want to be there when Leo beats some sense into Raph's head". With that they jumped down the manhole before Raph had a chance to smack Mikey.

"A'right. Let's go"

Raph sped off into the night and Leo had to follow. The blue-banded turtle quickly caught up with his heavier brother – at roof running Raph's greater size and body mass were working against him.

So Leo trailed along, letting Raph pick up the direction. He didn't want to ask about their goal – Raph would love it if he asked, and Leo wasn't giving him this pleasure either.

They reached the Central Park and jumped down to the ground. Despite his reluctance to admit it, Leo was beginning to feel curious.

"C'mon" – Raph lead the way along one of the least popular trails.

Five minutes later the red-clad turtle slowed down and skirted off the trail disappearing into thisck bushes. Leo followed.

He heard water before he saw it – a small pond and a rocky stream feeding it. There was a small grassy meadow surrounded by thick barberry bushes. Silver-leafed willows surrounded the pond, their ropy branches hanging low over the dark water mirror reflecting the moon.

Raph was already sitting on the grass beside the entrance. He looked up to Leo: "So… whatta ya think?"

Leo carefully sat down beside him. Apparently, this wasn't about fighting after all. The scene was nice but the whole set up was confusing the hell out of him. What was Raph up to?

Leo felt his heart flutter and told himself not to be naïve.

"I still don't know why you brought me here in the first place." He attempted to sound as even as possible.

Raph half-turned to face him. "Maybe… maybe I brought ya here, cause I too want ta give it a try" He absentmindedly brushed Leo's ankle with the knuckles of his right hand. Leo felt hot ripples spread from the point of impact. Raph stared into his face and raised a brow suggestively. He was too close.

However, Leo refused to drown in these pools of pure fire that were his brother's eyes.

"Try what?" He would not acknowledge his own words from two nights back – the words that Raph didn't care to listen to.

Amber eyes narrowed somewhat and moved back a little, but his hand never ceased it's up and down movement along Leo's ankle.

Leo would move his leg away but he didn't care to acknowledge that hand or its effect either.

Raph sighed. "A'right. I was being a jerk, and I'm sorry. Ya just caught me off guard, ok? Kinda took some time fer yer words to sink in."

Leo didn't answer.

"Look, I simply was sure that I was hearing things. I mean, after ya've been circling my shell fer six freaking months I would expect something better that "ya have no choice so stick with me".

That got to Leo. He jumped to his feet: "I opened you my heart and you laughed at me because the words weren't good enough for you?"

"Admit it, Leo, it was lame"

"Oh, yeah? You have done nothing at all! And for the record, I did not "circle your shell"!"

Raph chuckled. "Whatever ya say, Leo. I ain't blind, ya know"

"If I was that lame, what is this all about? You want to tell me off one more time? Don't worry, I've got the message!"

"No, Leo, no!" Raph sprang up too and seized his arm, recognizing that Leo was about to leave.

"Shell… I just wanted ta apologize… Ya know, I'm not good with words."

Leo freed himself from his grasp and looked away, sighing. He knew he should at least hear Raph out. Maybe there could be some repair done. He felt his inside still burning with anger and for a fraction of second wondered if Raph was feeling like that all the time. He was aware of Raph's gaze studying him and sat back down.

" Ok, so you apologized. What now?" Leo was deliberately looking at the pond. After a second's hesitation, Raph landed beside him. "Now? I wanted ta show ya how this romance thingy is done but I guess I messed up just as big"

"Yup".

Short silence was interrupted by a hardly audible sigh and then Leo said: "So how IS this "romance thingy" done? You bring me someplace nice and call an idiot?"

"M'sorry, a'right? It shoulda been more like I bring ya someplace nice, we talk, eat something… Ya hungry?"

"You have food over here?"

"Yeah!" Raph went to a pack of thick bushes talking over his shoulder on the way: "I made a stash here yesterday. I figured it should be something we both like and something that doesn't get spoiled overnight, so the choice was pretty narrow…" He rummaged around the bush.

"Damn squirrels! They found it! But… hold on… yeah, we're lucky".

"I'm really starved" Leo observed mildly watching Raph pushing under the bush using his shell as a shield from thorns. Finally Raph turned to him holding a small can. "Honey raisins" he said and tossed the can to Leo. Leo caught it deftly and examined it in dim moonlight. Honey raisins it was indeed. Leo didn't even know they canned this stuff.

Raph shrugged apologetically : "It's a spare can I brought just in case of squirrels. The rest is looted I'm afraid"

"Wow. You actually come prepared and have a plan B. I'm impressed"

Raph squatted beside him "I ain't as reckless as ya might think" – he grumbled.

"Oh, I don't think you are reckless all the time… just when you really are". Leo popped the can open, took a raisin and passed it to his brother.

Normally, Raph would retort this, but he caught a hint of amusement in Leo's voice and refused to bite the bait.

For some time they were sitting silently, munching at the raisins and passing the can back and forth. A moment of piece was enjoyable.

Leo could see that Raph was rolling some words in his mouth before letting them out and discarding them and for once he appreciated that his sibling cared enough to second guess what he was about to say. It was him who finally broke the silencec"So you say I had been circling your shell for six months…"

"Gees, Leo! I told ya I was sorry. Ya know I talk shit and it ain't meaning anything…"

"Three months top."

That caught Raph midword and he fell silent. Leo continued: "And that makes me wonder… how long have YOU really been circling MY shell and why didn't you do anything about that?"

He stared at Raph's profile while the later seemed totally entranced by moon reflection in the pond.

"Well, yar the leader, right?" he gruffed.

"Since when do you give a damn about it?"

Raph shrugged "Whatta ya want me say? That maybe I was a bit afraid.."

"That I turn you down?"

"That ya laugh at me and call me out before Splinter"

Leo stared at him. "You really think I was capable of doing something like that to you?"

"Come on, Leo, you're calling me out before Splinter all the time!"

"Am not!"

"Yes, ya are! Should I remind ya of all the times ya dragged me to him?"

"Only when you did something stupid…"

"Yeah! Falling for my brother certainly is!"

"Raph.." Leo put a hand on the emerald shoulder, but Raph shrugged it off.

"You know… we should probably get back" Leo said softly after a short pause "before Donnie worries over his shell and leads a rescue party out here".

"Yeah. Whatever."

As they were running back across the rooftops heading home, neither said a word. Raph regretted his tongue. Leo regretted that he brought up this subject at all. Getting together turned out not as easy as he fancied. But Raph was still here and they didn't come to blows.

The can of raisins, now half-empty, was tossed around like a ball of some sort and for the time being Leo felt content to just play. Talking seem to make it worse.

They were already in the sewers and just a few turns away from the Lair when Leo looked into the can. "Last one" he said, offering the can to his sibling. Raph took it somewhat solemnly and made a show of tossing the last raisin into the air before catching it in his mouth.

"Oh, well. Everything has to end sometime" He proclaimed and turned back to walking home, throwing the can away over his shoulder. When no sound of landing came, he looked back, puzzled.

Leo was stuffing the empty can he caught into his obi. "I'm going to keep it" he explained seeing Raph raised brows.

Raph shrugged and turned away but his brother caught a glimpse of the contemplated smile he was trying to hide.

Closing the distance in few steps, he caught Raph's arm.

"Raph. Technically, was this our first date?"

"What?"

"You took me someplace nice… we had a meal.. sort of… talked about us… sort of… and now we're walking each other home. So is this a date?"

"We're walking each other home because we live in the same place."

"Yes, but this still counts, right?"

Raph frowned "I suppose. So?"

"So if it is our first date, there is one thing still missing"

"Like what?"

"Like you still owe me my goodnight's kiss."

Raph's eyes widened in realization, he leaned in a little, then paused and frowned.

"Whatta ya mean, I OWE YOU?"

"Just shut up and kiss me." Leo whispered closing the remaining distance between them.

Raph's lips were hot and welcoming and everything he had imagined them to be.


End file.
